
If you have experienced relational trauma, starting a relationship can feel really scary. Relational trauma can occur during childhood or adulthood and could consist of neglect, abandonment, or abuse from someone who was meant to care for you and be a safe person. Because the abuse comes from someone who was meant to keep you safe, building a healthy relationship can feel incredibly unfamiliar.
Here are some challenges people may face when building a healthy relationship after relational trauma:
Difficulty trusting your gut
Relational trauma affects your nervous system. When you have consistently had someone undermine your gut reactions, gaslit you, or manipulated you into thinking you are over reacting, it becomes almost impossible to trust your instincts. Often, people who experience relational trauma feel disconnected from their bodies and are not in tune with their intuition.
What does safety even look like and feel like?
Many relational trauma survivors describe relationships to feel like roller coasters with a lot of ups and downs. Even good times in the relationship can feel unpredictable. As a result, healthy relationships can actually feel boring. Without the chaos, people may find themselves waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you aren’t sure what safety feels like, some of the covert red flags in relationships may not be as easily identifiable.
Triggers from unprocessed trauma
Sometimes avoidance of processing trauma can keep you safe. However, avoidance provides temporary safety. If you have attachment wounds from relational trauma, your romantic relationships will shake it up. I like to describe it as someone grazing an old wound. It may bring you right back to that time and place when that wound was fresh. This can feel incredibly dysregulating. If you’ve compartmentalized your trauma neatly in a box, relationships will shake that box up and bring things up that you may not have processed.
Challenges taking accountability
If you are not used to healthy conflict resolution, accountability in a healthy relationship can feel like an attack. You may feel defensive when your partner brings something to your attention. If you haven’t had healthy conflict resolution modeled for you, any form of rupture may feel like a potential abandonment and send you into a trauma response.
Here are some reminders and steps toward healing:
- You’re not crazy – Our brains crave familiarity. If chaos feels familiar, there may be some sense of comfort in having a chaotic relationship. You don’t know what you don’t know.
- Try to find some self-compassion – Show yourself compassion and acknowledge the role your brain and body are playing to protect you. Trauma reactions and symptoms are really just your brain and body working together to keep you safe. Once you can find compassion for yourself and your symptoms, you can move through any shame that may be bubbling up.
- Be patient with yourself – This takes time! You are learning a new way of relating and being. You aren’t just learning about relationships, but learning how to connect to yourself and your needs.
- Explore your values – Often, relational trauma requires you to adapt to your abuser. You may feel really disconnected from yourself. Allow yourself to explore who you are, what you like, what you value.
- Noticing gut reactions – Getting back in touch with your body is important. Learning what a gut reaction feels like allows you to be in tune with your body and begin to trust it. Being curious about your gut reactions and where they come from can be a huge source of discovery. It may have been a long time since you’ve been able to be in tune with your body, so take this slowly as it can be triggering.
- Meta communication – Talking to your partner or other safe people about how you talk in times of conflict or when you are triggered can go a long way. This can feel uncomfortable at first. It is hard to discuss the how of communication while you are in the midst of conflict. This can allow you both to create a safety plan and discuss needs when things feel hard before it escalates.
- Safe people to process with – It is essential to have safe people to talk to about triggers and relationships. Not all people are safe people. It is important that a support person be nonjudgemental and non-shaming. A therapist, trusted friend, or family member can be great options.
Ultimately, take care of yourself, be patient, and find compassion. You are deserving of healthy and safe relationships.
If you need extra support during the process of healing your relational trauma, I am here to support you. Schedule with me or any of our amazing trauma and relationship therapists.

Hi, I’m Hannah Williams, therapist for individuals and couples at Love Heal Grow Counseling.
I help individuals and couples who want to make sense of how their past trauma & painful moments impact them, so they can heal and finally feel free, worthy, and peaceful. You can experience more fulfillment in your life and relationships! I’m here to support you.
You can read more about me or schedule an appointment here: About Hannah
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