How to Heal Relational Trauma & Build Healthy Relationships

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how to heal relational trauma and build healthy relationships

If you have experienced relational trauma, starting a relationship can feel really scary. Relational trauma can occur during childhood or adulthood and could consist of neglect, abandonment, or abuse from someone who was meant to care for you and be a safe person. Because the abuse comes from someone who was meant to keep you safe, building a healthy relationship can feel incredibly unfamiliar.

Here are some challenges people may face when building a healthy relationship after relational trauma:

Difficulty trusting your gut

Relational trauma affects your nervous system. When you have consistently had someone undermine your gut reactions, gaslit you, or manipulated you into thinking you are over reacting, it becomes almost impossible to trust your instincts. Often, people who experience relational trauma feel disconnected from their bodies and are not in tune with their intuition.

What does safety even look like and feel like?

Many relational trauma survivors describe relationships to feel like roller coasters with a lot of ups and downs. Even good times in the relationship can feel unpredictable. As a result, healthy relationships can actually feel boring. Without the chaos, people may find themselves waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you aren’t sure what safety feels like, some of the covert red flags in relationships may not be as easily identifiable.

Triggers from unprocessed trauma

Sometimes avoidance of processing trauma can keep you safe. However, avoidance provides temporary safety. If you have attachment wounds from relational trauma, your romantic relationships will shake it up. I like to describe it as someone grazing an old wound. It may bring you right back to that time and place when that wound was fresh. This can feel incredibly dysregulating. If you’ve compartmentalized your trauma neatly in a box, relationships will shake that box up and bring things up that you may not have processed.

Challenges taking accountability

If you are not used to healthy conflict resolution, accountability in a healthy relationship can feel like an attack. You may feel defensive when your partner brings something to your attention. If you haven’t had healthy conflict resolution modeled for you, any form of rupture may feel like a potential abandonment and send you into a trauma response.

 

Here are some reminders and steps toward healing:

  • You’re not crazy – Our brains crave familiarity. If chaos feels familiar, there may be some sense of comfort in having a chaotic relationship. You don’t know what you don’t know.
  • Try to find some self-compassion – Show yourself compassion and acknowledge the role your brain and body are playing to protect you. Trauma reactions and symptoms are really just your brain and body working together to keep you safe. Once you can find compassion for yourself and your symptoms, you can move through any shame that may be bubbling up.
  • Be patient with yourself – This takes time! You are learning a new way of relating and being. You aren’t just learning about relationships, but learning how to connect to yourself and your needs.
  • Explore your values – Often, relational trauma requires you to adapt to your abuser. You may feel really disconnected from yourself. Allow yourself to explore who you are, what you like, what you value.
  • Noticing gut reactions – Getting back in touch with your body is important. Learning what a gut reaction feels like allows you to be in tune with your body and begin to trust it. Being curious about your gut reactions and where they come from can be a huge source of discovery. It may have been a long time since you’ve been able to be in tune with your body, so take this slowly as it can be triggering.
  • Meta communication – Talking to your partner or other safe people about how you talk in times of conflict or when you are triggered can go a long way. This can feel uncomfortable at first. It is hard to discuss the how of communication while you are in the midst of conflict. This can allow you both to create a safety plan and discuss needs when things feel hard before it escalates.
  • Safe people to process with – It is essential to have safe people to talk to about triggers and relationships. Not all people are safe people. It is important that a support person be nonjudgemental and non-shaming. A therapist, trusted friend, or family member can be great options.

 

Ultimately, take care of yourself, be patient, and find compassion. You are deserving of healthy and safe relationships.

If you need extra support during the process of healing your relational trauma, I am here to support you. Schedule with me or any of our amazing trauma and relationship therapists.

Hannah Williams Sacramento Therapist Online

Hi, I’m Hannah Williams​, therapist for individuals and couples at Love Heal Grow Counseling.

​I help individuals and couples who want to make sense of how their past trauma & painful moments impact them, so they can heal and finally feel free, worthy, and peaceful. You can experience more fulfillment in your life and relationships! I’m here to support you.

You can read more about me or schedule an appointment here: About Hannah

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Megan Negendank, LMFT, CST Founder (she/her)

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Therapist | 240 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Disconnected & Bickering Couples, Depleted & Exhausted Working Moms, Low Self Esteem, Trauma & Anxiety

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Megan Negendank, LMFT, CST Founder (she/her)

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CEO & Founder | 450 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Relationship Trauma, Emotional & Physical Intimacy, Executives & Creatives | Not accepting new clients
Madison Hamzy, LMFT (she/her)

Madison Hamzy, LMFT (she/her)

Therapist & Assistant Director | 250 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Intimate Connection & Less Stress, Men with ED or ADHD, People who get stuck in their heads and worry a lot
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Natalie Delfin, LCSW (she/they)

Therapist & Clinical Supervisor | 200 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, More Pleasurable Sex, Men learning to express feelings, CNM & Kink, Queer & Trans
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Therapist & Clinical Supervisor | 220 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Healing from Abuse & Betrayal, Queer & Trans Identity, People who care deeply and are told they are "too much"
Ann Marie McKnight, LMFT (she/her)

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Therapist | 250 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Grief & Loss, Childhood Emotional Neglect, Family Therapy for Parents & Adult Children | Contact therapist to be added to waitlist
Jessie Regan, LMFT (she/her)

Jessie Regan, LMFT (she/her)

Therapist & Clinical Supervisor | 270 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Healing from Infidelity, Discernment & Divorce, Workplace Stress & Pressure
Linda Rolufs, LMFT (Online Only, she/her)

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Therapist | 240 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Anxiety & OCD, Menopausal and post-menopausal women wanting more pleasure in sex, Women who feel invisible
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Therapist | 200 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, High-Achievers & Type-A Personalities, Intimacy & Connection, Low Self Esteem, Trauma & Anxiety
Lindsay Glass, LMFT (Online Only, she/her)

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Therapist | 200 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Parenting Couples, Cycle-breaking Moms, Deep Thinkers & Deep Feelers | Contact therapist to be added to waitlist.
Maegan Tanner, AMFT (she/her)

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Therapist | 180 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Stress & Burnout, LGBTQ+, People who judge themselves a lot
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IFS Therapist | 225 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Communication & Intimacy, LGBTQ+, Folks wanting to go deep in their trauma work
Emily Alampi, AMFT (Online Only, she/her)

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Therapist | 170 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Anxiety & Stress, Frustration & Anger, Queer & Trans, Neurodivergence, People who feel like they don't fit in
Charisse Brass, AMFT (she/her)

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Therapist | 170 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Emotional & Physical Connection, Stress & Burnout in Highly Productive People, Existential Angst & Life Meaning | Not accepting new clients
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Therapist | 170 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Burnout & Pressure to be Successful, Immigrants & First Gen, Current & Former Athletes, People who Avoid Conflict
Flo Oliveira, AMFT (they/them)

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Sex Therapist | 170 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, QTBIPOC, More Pleasure in Sex, CNM & Kink Affirming, People worried about their porn-use & sexual behaviors
Maria Dimachkie, ACSW (she/her)

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Trauma Therapist | 180 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Survivors of Trauma: Sexual Assault & Relationship Abuse; People who have been hurt by loved ones; People who question themselves a lot
Samaria Parada, AMFT (she/ella)

Samaria Parada, AMFT (she/ella)

Bilingual Therapist | 160 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Communication & Connection, Family & Cultural Stress & Trauma, BIPOC & First Gen
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Therapist | 160 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Communication & Intimacy, Betrayal & Infidelity, Couples with age gaps, Creatives & Sensitive People
Hannah Slicton-Williams, LMFT (she/her)

Hannah Slicton-Williams, LMFT (she/her)

Trauma Therapist | 200 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Healing from Trauma - Relationship Abuse, Violence, and Sexual Assault, Love after Trauma
Abby Hollandsworth, AMFT (she/they)

Abby Hollandsworth, AMFT (she/they)

Therapist | 160 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Communication & Intimate Connection, Anxiety-Depression-Anger, LGBTQ+, Religious Trauma & Grief
Ashlene Kaur (she/her)

Ashlene Kaur (she/her)

Therapist | Sliding Scale (100-140 per session) | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Connection & Intimacy, Perfectionism & Low Self-Esteem, Cultural Pressure & Relationship with Parents
Liza Haroldson, LCSW (she/her)

Liza Haroldson, LCSW (she/her)

Therapist | 240 per session | Relationship & Sex Therapy, Disconnected & Bickering Couples, Depleted & Exhausted Working Moms, Low Self Esteem, Trauma & Anxiety
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