Microaggressions are subtle and usually unintentional behaviors that show bias or prejudice. They might sound like a “compliment” that reinforces a stereotype, or a question that’s chock-full of assumptions. Often, they don’t seem like a big deal, but these behaviors tend to accumulate over time and leave lasting impacts on the people they’re directed at.
Understanding how to respond to microaggressions in a way that supports your emotional well-being, without escalating an unpleasant situation, is a worthwhile skill. Here’s how to handle these challenging moments with care, grace, and self-awareness.
What Is a Microaggression?
A microaggression is an act of indirect or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group. It can take many forms, including verbal, behavioral, or environmental, and may stem from unconscious bias. Examples include (but are not at all limited to) phrases like:
- Asking someone of a different race than you where they’re “really” from
- Praising an individual with a disability for not “using their condition as a crutch”
- Claiming that you “don’t see color.”
This one is usually never intentionally offensive, but in a way, it dismisses people of other cultures as “the same.” Instead of saying this, aim to appreciate that we are all different and pull for equality in your actions rather than your words.
Microaggressions can make someone feel excluded and/or stereotyped. This is especially so when they occur repeatedly in the same setting, such as the workplace, classroom, or even social groups.
It’s Normal to Have Complicated Feelings
When you experience a microaggression, the way you feel about it might surprise you. You might experience anger, confusion, hurt, and embarrassment. You might also question yourself about whether the issue is a big deal or even tell yourself you’re overreacting.
These feelings are completely valid, though.
Many people who experience microaggressions report feeling emotionally off-balance. They know something didn’t feel right about the situation, but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what the issue is. This is why microaggressions are so common. They’re subtle, and usually the person making them is unaware because those on the receiving end are encouraged to just brush it off.
But your feelings matter. Just because something seems small doesn’t mean it didn’t affect you.
Why Responding Can Feel So Difficult
Responding to a microaggression in the moment can be challenging for many reasons. For one, nobody wants to be seen as combative or thin-skinned. When people immediately insist you’re being too sensitive about an issue, it can automatically have you doubting your own experience.
In other situations, you might not even know how to react because you desperately want to keep the peace. When these comments come from bosses, professors, or colleagues, it can be even harder to stand up for yourself.
Often, the person experiencing the microaggression ends up absorbing the discomfort instead of redistributing it through dialogue. It’s deeply unfair and unproductive, but very common.
Choosing Not to Respond Is Okay
You are not obligated to respond to every microaggression. You may experience situations where responding would make you feel emotionally vulnerable, overwhelmed, or even physically unsafe. Your safety and well-being are more important than anything else.
Some examples of when it might be best to disengage:
- You’re in a workplace with little HR support.
- The person has a history of hostility or gaslighting.
- You don’t have the emotional bandwidth at that moment.
- You sense that the conversation could escalate into something harmful or demeaning.
Silence does not mean you are weak or passive. Sometimes, silence is an act of self-preservation. You are allowed to choose your peace and protect yourself.
If You Do Want to Respond, Consider These Approaches
If you feel safe enough and choose to respond, here are a few gentle but informative strategies to de-escalate a situation.
Ask for Clarification
Sometimes, giving the person an opportunity to reflect on what they’ve said or done is all that’s needed. Asking, “Can you say more about what you meant by that?” presents a chance to clarify misunderstandings and reach common ground.
Use “I” Statements
When you confront a person, it’s best to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. If you’re addressing a microaggression, you don’t want to attack the other person. Focus on your feelings and express how what was said or done impacted you.
For example, “I felt uncomfortable with what you said. It touches on a stereotype that people like me deal with often.”
Name the Behavior, Not the Person
Avoid labeling the individual, even if you’re upset. While it isn’t your responsibility to educate the other person, addressing their actions rather than their character will likely yield better results. You could say, “The comment you made plays into harmful assumptions about people with disabilities,” or something of the like.
Set Boundaries
Sometimes, the best approach is a direct limit. Let’s say a co-worker makes a joke about another co-worker, and that joke centers around a harmful stereotype about that person’s culture. Telling that person, “I’m not okay with joking about that,” is perfectly acceptable.
These strategies can help keep the situation from escalating, and at the same time, it provides dialogue people can follow when they want to do the right thing.
When Escalating Is Necessary
There may be situations where a microaggression is part of a larger pattern of discrimination. In these cases, escalation may be necessary, not to start a conflict, but to hold others accountable for their own words and behaviors.
Examples of when escalation may be appropriate:
- Repeated microaggressions by the same individual or group.
- A hostile environment that undermines your dignity or career.
- The person reacts defensively or aggressively when you try to speak up.
- HR, leadership, or authority figures are aware but not taking action.
Escalation might look like:
- Filing a complaint with HR or a supervisor.
- Bringing in an advocate or ally to mediate.
- Seeking legal or organizational support.
- Bringing public attention to the issue when silence perpetuates harm.
What Can I Do to Feel Better Afterward?
Regardless of how you respond in the moment, microaggressions can take an emotional toll. Take care of yourself after challenges like these. You could:
- Discuss your feelings with someone you trust.
- Journal and reflect on the experience you’ve had.
- Absorb empowering content (such as stories, essays, and research from people who have shared your experience).
- Treat yourself fairly. Don’t beat yourself up for being upset.
- Speak with a therapist or counselor to unpack, heal, and develop appropriate strategies for future incidents.
What If You’re the One Who Committed a Microaggression?
It’s never pleasant realizing you’ve said or done something that hurt another person, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. If someone confronts you about a microaggression, handle it with grace. Don’t immediately jump into defense mode (even if you really didn’t mean what you said). Listen with openness, acknowledge the impact of your actions, and show appreciation.
A mature person admits when they’ve done something wrong, even when it was not intentional. A simple, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize,” can go a long way. We all have blind spots, and addressing them with humility creates a more respectful place for everyone.
Microaggressions are real, they hurt, and there is no one “right” way to respond. Whether you choose to speak up, disengage, or escalate the issue, your choice is valid. Your safety and boundaries matter.
Keep in mind, though, you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is especially helpful when recovering from the weight of everyday bias. You’re allowed to be heard, seen, and treated with dignity.
Need support processing or addressing difficult interactions? Our dedicated mental health professionals are here to help you feel heard and empowered.
