We all have expectations. Our hopes, goals, and standards shape the way we move through life. But for many, these expectations can be burdensome. When you fall short of your own expectations, your inner critic may become harsh and relentless.
Have you ever wondered, Why am I never satisfied with myself? I’m doing my best, so why do I feel like such a failure? Plenty of people experience dissatisfaction with themselves, but this experience tends to be most common among high achievers. The constant need to perform may seem admirable, but the reality is often self-judgment and constant disappointment.
If you’re struggling to be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned, you’re not alone.
What Causes Self-Criticism?
Before you can take active steps to cut yourself some slack, it helps to understand why you’re demanding so much of yourself in the first place.
Perfectionism
Having high standards is one thing, but when your only possible outcome is perfection, it leaves you little opportunity to grow. Making mistakes is something human beings do. Every single one of us has done things we regretted, and learning from them helps us become better versions of ourselves.
If every misstep you take feels like personal failure, you might fear being judged for messing up more than you fear actually making a mistake.
The “Never Enough” Mentality
Sometimes, people tie their self-worth to their performance. You may have felt at a young age that you were only ever loved and given attention when you excelled and pleased others. It’s normal to want to put your best foot forward, but it’s not healthy to run yourself ragged for someone else’s approval.
Comparison and Social Pressure
Social media, corporate culture, and even well-meaning mentors push the idea that there’s always something more you should be doing. You don’t have to scroll for very long on Instagram before coming across someone who brags about working more than 80 hours a week and never seeing their kids.
Coming across this sort of mentality can make it feel like you’re not allowed to take a moment for yourself without being “lazy.”
The Cost of Being Too Hard on Yourself
When you’re criticizing yourself more often than not, you’re not just temporarily hurting your own feelings. Constant negative self-talk can fuel anxiety, depression, burnout, and dwindling self-esteem.
Harsh inner criticism also doesn’t improve your performance, contrary to popular belief. Instead, it leads to decision paralysis, procrastination, or giving up on a task entirely.
Not to mention, when you’re unkind to yourself, you’re not in the best state to treat others with kindness. Irritability, withdrawal, and even resentment can seep into your interactions with the people you love, even when they’ve done nothing wrong.
7 Tips for Being Patient with Yourself
Self-criticism doesn’t just go away because we want it to. It’s important to take intentional steps toward going easy on yourself.
Try the following:
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion doesn’t mean making excuses or avoiding responsibility for mistakes you’ve made. It just encourages you to respond productively. Instead of beating yourself up mentally, acknowledge that you did the best you could with the resources you had. By definition, your best is all you can do, and the outcome is now out of your hands.
Address Unrealistic Expectations
You don’t have to meet every goal you set, especially when you constantly shoot for the moon. Take a moment to think about whether your goals are reasonable or if the odds are stacked against you. Are you demanding perfection from yourself when everyone else is satisfied with good work?
If you’re a naturally high achiever, it might be a good idea to structure your plans so that they’re possible to reach. Use the SMART framework and set goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely (having a specific deadline or timeline).
Allow Yourself to Be a Work in Progress
No matter how good you are at something, it does not determine your worth as a person. It’s okay to be in the learning phase of something. Give yourself time to figure things out at a pace that works for you. You don’t have to lower your standards, but broadening your definition of success can make you appreciate your progress along the way. After all, one of the most important parts of any outcome is the adventure that happened along the way.
Create a Comfort Folder or Board
Keep a folder on your phone or PC, a journal, or an inspiration board where you can post kind words. Highlight moments you felt proud of yourself, accomplishments you’ve made, and praise you received from people you respect. When your inner critic is persistent, reading something kind can remind you that you’re valuable.
You might also include affirmations such as:
- I am allowed to be proud of myself, even when I fall short.
- I have done enough today.
Embrace Your Humanity
Everyone has bad days. Falling short doesn’t make you weak or a bad person. Instead of seeing setbacks as a sign of your failings, view them as part of the process. The telephone wasn’t invented in a single try, and had Alexander Graham Bell let his inner critic win, we would likely not have phones today. Instead of telling yourself that you’re a failure, remind yourself that you now know how NOT to do something. Learning is progress.
Avoid Unfair Comparisons
Constant comparison makes it easy to think you could always do better. Keep in mind, though, you’re seeing other people’s successes, not their failures, flaws, doubts, and struggles. You’re measuring yourself against just a small fraction of what you’re seeing.
It’s okay to admire another person’s success, but it’s important to remember your journey is your own. You do not have to accomplish everything they did, because you’re your own person. Their experiences differed from yours, and there’s nothing wrong with being on a unique path, even if you respect what other people have done.
Work With a Therapist or Coach
If the pressure you put on yourself is causing significant distress, working with a professional can help. A therapist can help you examine your perfectionism, reframe your inner dialogue, and cope with your shortcomings in a healthy way.
Pursue Progress, Not Perfection
Struggling does not mean failure, nor does working toward a long-term goal you’ve not yet reached. You’re growing as a person, and it’s important to take everything one day at a time.
Stopping the cycle of self-criticism isn’t easy. Most of us can’t flip a switch and suddenly love ourselves without condition, but making an effort to sit with disappointment and not let it become shame is a start. Practice being kind to yourself, not just when things are going well, but when you’ve fallen short of a goal you set.
Next time you don’t reach your expectations, give yourself a moment. Take a breath. Acknowledge your feelings, but remember that you are not your mistakes. You’re not the things you achieved. No matter what you did or didn’t accomplish, you’re worthy of love and respect exactly as you are.
Many of our therapists specialize in supporting perfectionists, overachievers, and people in high-pressure careers. We would love to help you understand these patterns and feel more at peace with yourself. You can book an appointment with us to start this journey.
