Supporting Kids Through Negative Self-Talk: A Starting Point for Parents

Hearing your child say things like “I’m so dumb,” “I’m an idiot,” or “I want to kill myself” can be an intense part of parenting. These moments often stop us in our tracks and activate a strong urge to make it better right away. While they can feel overwhelming, they are also more common than many parents realize—especially in elementary-aged kids who are still learning how to put big feelings into words.

This kind of language doesn’t automatically mean something is seriously wrong or that you’ve done something wrong. Often, it’s a child’s way of communicating distress, frustration, or overwhelm. This blog isn’t about having the perfect response. It’s meant to offer a starting point for how to stay present, grounded, and supportive when these moments show up.

When kids use negative self-talk, our instinct is often to correct it immediately:

• “No you’re not.”
• “Don’t say that.”
• “That’s not true.”

While loving, these responses can unintentionally shut down the conversation. Instead, try leading with curiosity. Simple phrases like “Tell me more,” or “What was happening when you started feeling that way?” let your child know you’re interested in understanding, not fixing or dismissing.

It can also help to know that many kids are more receptive when they’re not put on the spot. A formal sit-down conversation often doesn’t go well. Some of the best conversations happen side-by-side while doing something else—driving in the car, playing Legos, walking the dog, or folding laundry. These moments tend to feel safer and less intense, making it easier for kids to open up.

As you’re listening, try not to talk through the silence. Most of us feel uncomfortable with quiet and rush to fill the space, especially when we’re worried. But silence can give kids time to gather their thoughts and find their words. If you can tolerate the pause, you may be surprised by what your child is able to share when they’re ready.

Before jumping to conclusions, slow down and take in the bigger picture. Have there been changes in your child’s sleep, eating, energy, or mood? Any shifts in friendships, interests, or behavior? External changes matter too—new teachers, a new school, family changes like divorce, death, or remarriage, or even changes in routine, food, or medication. Negative self-talk often makes more sense when viewed in context.

When you do respond, gentle and honest connection goes a long way. Sometimes it’s helpful to normalize without minimizing. You might say, “I remember being your age and having thoughts like that sometimes. What do you do when those thoughts show up?”

Authenticity matters. If you haven’t had that experience, it’s okay to say, “That’s not something I’ve felt before, but I really want to understand what it’s like for you.

Try to validate before reassuring. You don’t have to agree with the thought to acknowledge the feeling behind it. Statements like “That sounds really hard,” “I’m really glad you told me,” and “I’m here with you” help kids feel supported and regulated enough to keep talking.

It’s also worth paying attention to where these messages might be coming from—peers, siblings, adults, or even joking comments. What matters most is how your child experiences it. Along those same lines, notice how you talk about yourself. Kids are always listening, and they often internalize the language they hear modeled at home. Casual comments about being “so stupid” or “bad at everything” can land more deeply than we intend.

Negative self-talk doesn’t exist in isolation, so keep an eye on the whole child: eating, sleeping, bathroom habits, social connection, and feedback from teachers or caregivers. Teachers can be a valuable resource for understanding what your child may be experiencing during the school day.

If the language feels persistent, escalates, or includes statements about self-harm, reaching out for additional support is a caring and appropriate step. School counselors can be a great place to start. They do much more than just talk with kids—they can help them feel more empowered and included, support social dynamics, collaborate with teachers, and help identify what a child might need to feel safer and more supported at school.

Also be mindful of media and online content. Even elementary-aged kids absorb more than we realize, and it’s worth checking in on what messages they’re taking in.

When kids speak harshly about themselves, they’re not asking us to fix them. They’re asking us to listen, to stay close, and to help them make sense of feelings that feel too big to hold alone. You don’t need perfect words. Your steadiness, curiosity, and willingness to stay present matter more than getting it right.

This is a tender and intense part of parenting—and you don’t have to navigate it alone.