Change is inevitable, both in relationships and life in general. At one time, you may have agreed to an open relationship out of curiosity and excitement, but now something feels off. If you’re finding yourself questioning whether this dynamic still works for you, you’re not alone. Plenty of people in your shoes experience these feelings, and it’s okay to change your mind.
Being honest with yourself and your partner about your needs, especially when they’ve changed, is a very courageous act. But when it comes to navigating the path ahead, it’s easy to feel lost.
Let’s go over a few steps you can take to move forward.
Understand That It’s Okay
One of the most important things to remember is that relationship needs can evolve over time, and sometimes your comfort levels change. Just because you once agreed to an open relationship does not mean you’re bound to it for life. You stepped into something you were curious about, and you’re well within your rights to admit to yourself that it’s not what you want anymore.
Change is a part of growth, and just because a situation no longer feels right to you doesn’t mean you did anything necessarily wrong.
Explore Your Feelings
There are many valid reasons someone might feel ready to transition out of an open relationship:
- Emotional Overwhelm: Managing multiple emotional dynamics and boundaries can be extremely exhausting, especially if the arrangement begins to feel like more stress than it’s worth.
- Unmet Attachment Needs: You may find that you need more emotional security, exclusivity, or stability than you did before. Our attachment styles can shift in relationships, especially when your emotional needs aren’t being fully met.
- Intuition or Discomfort: Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. You might not have a clear-cut reason, but you don’t need to. Just saying, “I no longer like this,” is enough.
- Feelings of Jealousy or Insecurity: While jealousy isn’t inherently bad, if it becomes chronic or disruptive, it may signal a mismatch between your current needs and the open relationship structure.
- New Priorities: Changes like moving in together, having children, or going through a personal transformation can bring about new perspectives on your commitments.
Understanding the reason behind your feelings, or at least trying to, can help you articulate your needs more clearly as you approach the conversation with your partner.
Check In With Yourself
Before you bring up the topic with your partner, take time to reflect on the following questions:
- What has changed for me emotionally or mentally since agreeing to an open relationship?
- Do I want a monogamous relationship, or am I just overwhelmed and needing to adjust boundaries?
- Am I feeling fulfilled in this relationship, or am I emotionally depleted?
- How do I envision my ideal relationship structure moving forward?
- What do I need to feel safe and valued?
Journaling, meditating, or talking with someone you trust can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings. The more you’re able to analyze your needs, the more empowered you’ll feel moving forward.
Have the Conversation With Your Partner(s)
Talking about changing your relationship structure can be a significant demand, both for you and any partners you’re currently seeing. Be compassionate and respectful in your approach.
Choose the Right Time and Setting
Make sure you’re in a calm, private environment where you both feel emotionally safe and unhurried. Don’t bring these issues up during an argument, a public event, or when either of you will be distracted.
Lead With Ownership
Frame the conversation around your feelings rather than what your partner is doing or not doing. For example, you could say something like, “I’ve been doing some deep thinking, and I’ve realized that I’m no longer enjoying our open relationship. I want to share what’s been coming up for me.”
Be Honest, Not Harsh
You don’t have to have all the answers, but be clear about what’s not working for you. If you’re uncertain about next steps, say so. Honesty allows your partner to meet you where you are.
Invite Dialogue
Give your partner space to process and respond. Ask open-ended questions like:
- “How do you feel about what I’ve shared?”
- “What are your thoughts on the matter?”
If Your Partner Still Wants an Open Relationship
Sometimes, your partner may still want to maintain an open relationship, even after hearing your concerns. This can be painful, but it’s an opportunity for honest negotiation as well.
If you find that your partner’s desires do not align with yours, it may be time for some difficult decisions. For one, you could suggest a compromise, like limiting just how open your relationship is, or establishing boundaries that make you feel better.
It’s also worth mentioning a trial period of monogamy. If the two of you want to just give it a try and see how you feel after a few months, you can revisit your situation a little later.
Should you struggle to come to an agreement at all, speaking with a couples therapist might be the next step. A mental health professional can help you and your partner better understand what the other needs. Plus, these individuals operate in a judgment-free environment, so you don’t have to worry about not being understood.
That said, no one should be forced into a relationship that makes them uncomfortable. If you and your partner cannot reach an understanding, you may need to evaluate whether your current relationship can reasonably continue.
Revisit Agreements and Boundaries
If you and your partner decide to move away from openness (or at least modify it) work together to reach a new agreement. Cover all of your bases and make sure you’re both on the same page at the end.
Put everything on the table and co-create a structure that focuses on emotional safety and mutual fulfillment as a couple. It’s okay if the agreement evolves over time, what matters most is ongoing communication, respect for each other, and consent.
Finding What Works for Both of You
There’s no one-size-fits-all structure for relationships, as every human being is unique. Whether you want to move to monogamy, a different non-monogamous arrangement, or break up with your partner, do your best to be amicable and find what feels right for everyone.
Here are a few relationship structures couples sometimes explore after reconsidering an open setup:
- Monogamy with strong emotional intimacy
- Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (if emotional detachment is important but openness remains)
- Selective non-monogamy (limited to certain situations or partners)
- Emotional exclusivity with sexual openness or sexual exclusivity with emotional openness
You Deserve a Relationship That Feels Right
Every person deserves to be in a relationship that supports their emotional well-being and matches their set of values. If your heart is telling you that your current arrangement no longer fits, listen. Your needs are totally valid, even if they’re different now. Your voice matters, even if it goes against the grain.
Changing your mind isn’t quitting or bailing out. It’s growing, which you need in order to become the best version of yourself.
If you’d like to work through your feelings with a dedicated therapist either with your partner or as an individual, schedule an appointment with our team today.
