Most people want some form of closeness with others, yet many find themselves creating distance instead. They may become emotionally unavailable, start arguments, or cut off communication altogether. Patterns like this can confuse both the person acting them out and the people around them, especially when the underlying motivations are not immediately obvious.
This behavior is relatively common among individuals with insecure attachment styles. When relationships feel unpredictable or risky, a person’s nervous system can take self-protective actions. When this person wants to connect, their brain and body may respond to closeness as it would a threat.
Understanding why this happens can create space for more secure, connected relationships.
Attachment Styles and Relationship Behavior
Attachment theory explains how our early caregiving relationships shape what we expect in adulthood. These attachment styles affect how people regulate emotion, respond to closeness, and manage fear of rejection or abandonment.
Secure attachment is associated with comfort in closeness with others, and trust that develops organically.
Anxious attachment involves rising fear of being abandoned and a need for frequent reassurance.
Avoidant attachment often manifests as discomfort with emotional interactions and a preference for keeping distance.
Disorganized attachment combines anxious and avoidant tendencies. People with this attachment style may alternate rapidly between seeking intimacy and pushing other people away.
Insecure attachment styles often form when early caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or even frightening and abusive. These patterns are adaptations we form to survive emotional unpredictability.
How Self-Protection Shows Up in Relationships
People push others away in order to protect themselves. These behaviors are often automatic rather than calculated. They’re learned strategies that have helped in the past when it came to avoiding pain, overwhelm, and rejection.
Seeking Closeness While Expecting Loss
People with anxious attachment often want deep connection, but they’re afraid of losing it once it develops. This fear often leads to behaviors like:
- Starting arguments to test loyalty
- Asking for constant reassurance
- Becoming emotionally flooded during conflict
- Clinging to a partner, then feeling ashamed afterward
Although the ultimate goal is to feel secure, these strategies tend to create more instability. When others feel overwhelmed by this sort of behavior, they may pull away, which validates the fear of abandonment.
Avoidant Attachment Minimizes Vulnerability
Avoidantly attached individuals usually value independence and control. Vulnerability can feel unfamiliar or dangerous. When faced with building intimacy, they might respond by:
- Shutting down emotionally
- Avoiding conversations about needs or feelings
- Withholding affection or attention
- Mentally distancing themselves from the relationship
These responses reduce emotional discomfort but also prevent deep connection. Over time, they can lead to loneliness or confusion in partners who feel pushed away without any real reason.
Disorganized Attachment Yields Unpredictable Responses
Disorganized attachment usually develops in environments where caregivers were both sources of comfort and fear. People with this style tend to experience internal conflict between wanting closeness and fearing it. They may:
- Swing between intense connection and emotional withdrawal
- End relationships suddenly when vulnerability feels too high
- React strongly to perceived rejection
- Struggle with guilt or shame after pushing others away
This attachment style often creates unpredictable patterns that feel distressing to both parties in a relationship.
Psychological Patterns That Reinforce Distance
Several internal mechanisms can make it difficult to stay connected with others, even when connection, friendship, and love are the goal.
Fear of Being Hurt
For many people, closeness introduces the risk of being hurt, judged, or rejected. Avoiding that risk may feel safer, even if it leads to emotional isolation.
Internalized Beliefs
Beliefs formed early in life often shape how people interpret others’ behavior. These may include the individual feeling like they’re too much of a burden for others, worrying they’ll get hurt, or trying to cling to an identity that may change when other people are let in.
These core beliefs can make even healthy relationships feel threatening, especially when partners act in caring or dependable ways that challenge old expectations.
Emotional Overwhelm
When someone becomes emotionally flooded, their brain may trigger a sort of protective mode. This can result in behaviors like shutting down, avoiding eye contact, or leaving the conversation. These reactions are usually the result of nervous system dysregulation, not a lack of interest or care.
How to Recognize and Change the Pattern
Becoming aware of these protective strategies is the first step toward meaningful change. With insight and support, new relationship habits can form.
Notice The Distance
Pay attention to moments when you feel the urge to pull away, criticize, or disconnect. Ask yourself how you’re feeling, what you’re afraid might happen, and whether your expectations are realistic. Is your reaction actually based on what’s happening now, or are you falling into something familiar from the past?
Reflection can help keep you grounded and realistic when it comes to what you need and want in a relationship.
Identify What You Need
Defensive behaviors tend to hide unmet needs. Picking a fight may signal a need for closeness or reassurance. Withdrawing may reflect a desire for private time to process feelings, especially when emotions feel too overwhelming to express directly. Learning to name needs clearly helps reduce confusion in relationships and encourages healthier communication.
Examples include:
- “I’m feeling anxious and could use a little reassurance.”
- “I need a few minutes to calm down, but I still want to work through this.”
Each of these phrases is short but informative. They let your partner know what’s going on without requiring you to provide an entire rundown behind your feelings.
Regulate Before Reacting
When emotional intensity arises, the ability to think clearly often becomes harder. Simple routines like deep breathing, grounding techniques, or taking a break can help restore your sense of balance. Once the nervous system is regulated, it becomes easier to connect rather than defend.
Create a New Relationship Template
People learn what to expect from relationships through experience. If past experiences were chaotic or painful, even safe relationships can feel uncomfortable. Practicing connection with safe, attuned individuals helps the brain learn that closeness can be tolerable and rewarding. Your past experiences do not have to ruin a loving and healthy future.
Seek Support
A therapist trained in attachment dynamics or trauma-informed care can help explore the roots of these patterns. Therapy provides a safe space to examine past relationships, understand automatic reactions, and experiment with new ways of relating. It can also help clear up any confusion around why these behaviors developed.
Healing the Push-Pull Pattern
Pushing others away is often a deeply ingrained response to fear, pain, or unpredictability in past relationships. These reactions once helped reduce harm, but they may now be preventing meaningful connection.
Changing these patterns takes time and support. The process begins with self-awareness and continues through intentional practice, often with help from trusted professionals or safe relationships. Learning to tolerate your vulnerability, express needs clearly, and stay emotionally present allows for more secure and satisfying connections.
It is possible to want connection and feel afraid of it at the same time, much like when we’re excited but scared to try other new things (rollercoasters, a new career, traveling, etc.). Balancing your fear with your willingness to try creates room for growth. Over time, what used to feel threatening can start feeling manageable, even safe.
If you’d like to explore your attachment style and work toward healthier relationships, feel free to reach out to our office to get connected with a trusted therapist.
