The Gottman Method is one of the most well-known and research-backed approaches to couples therapy. With decades of research on what makes relationships thrive or fall apart, the method offers tools like building love maps, managing conflict constructively, and fostering emotional connection.
But once you’ve started using Gottman techniques, how do you actually know they’re working? How can you tell if your relationship is improving?
Here are some key signs that the Gottman Method may be helping, and what to do if you’re not seeing the progress you hoped for.
You’re Fighting Less (and When You Do, It Feels Fair)
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and it’s completely normal to occasionally argue., but how you manage it makes all the difference. One major goal of the Gottman Method is to reduce what the Gottmans call the “Four Horsemen” that signal a failing relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If the therapy is working, you may notice:
- Fewer arguments overall
- A shift from blaming language (“You never listen to me”) to softer startups (“I feel unheard when I’m talking”)
- A willingness to repair during conflict (you might use humor, take breaks, or use a signal when things are escalating)
- Quicker recovery after disagreements, without lingering resentment
- Arguments feel more contained and less emotionally destructive
You Feel More Emotionally Connected
The Gottman Method puts a strong emphasis on building emotional intimacy. One way this happens is through the idea of “turning toward” your partner’s bids for connection. These bids can be small gestures: a glance, a comment, or a shared joke that says, “Are you there for me?” If the Gottman Method is helping in this area, you’ll find:
- You and your partner are more responsive to each other’s needs
- You both engage in more affectionate touch, eye contact, and spontaneous check-ins
- You’re asking deeper questions about each other’s inner worlds (Gottman calls this “building love maps”)
- You find yourselves enjoying time together more consistently, even during everyday routines
You’re Planning for the Future as a Team
Another pillar of the Gottman Method is creating shared meaning. This essentially means being on the same team when it comes to life’s big (and small) questions. If things are improving, you might notice:
- More collaborative decision-making, even on tough topics like money, parenting, or in-laws
- A shared vision of where you’re going as a couple
- Regular check-ins about goals, dreams, and values
- You feel like you’re building something together, rather than just coexisting
You’re More Resilient During Stressful Times
The true test of any relationship is how it weathers stress. Whether it’s a job loss, illness, or a new baby, the Gottman Method aims to build resilience by strengthening your emotional bond and communication patterns. If it’s working, you might see that:
- You lean on each other more effectively in tough moments
- You feel like “we’re in this together,” rather than blaming or withdrawing
- There’s more grace and flexibility when things don’t go as planned
- You recover from conflict or stress with collaboration
What If You’re Not Seeing These Signs?
If you’ve been practicing the Gottman Method and aren’t noticing these shifts, don’t be discouraged. Sometimes couples need more time or more guidance from their therapist. Consider the following:
- Are both partners equally engaged in the work?
- Do you understand why each exercise or tool is important?
- Would working with a certified Gottman therapist give you more momentum?
If your current couples therapy isn’t working for you, schedule a consultation with us today. Whether you’re new to the Gottman Method or you’re looking for a new perspective on your relationship issues, we can help. Through the Gottman Method, your relationship can become more emotionally connected and more capable of handling life’s curveballs.
