What do you do when your partner is vanilla?
Have you had sex recently and thought “This is SO boring” or “God, I really want to try this with them but it would be so awkward to bring up right now”?

If you relate to the above, the below statements may also be true:

  • You find it hard to talk about your fantasies with your partner(s)
  • You avoid conversations about kink/bdsm/experimentation. (Recommended: Read about what kink is here)
  • You often find yourself avoiding sex or not desiring it as much as your partner(s) 
  • You have curiosities that you haven’t spent time allowing yourself to try or think about

Something that we, as Sex Therapists, often encounter are couples with different comfortability levels in kink, BDSM, and exploration. If all or most of these statements are true for you and you’re reading this like “Duh, doesn’t everyone feel a little like this?”, this article is for you.

Now that you have read a bit about kink/bdsm, know what you want to explore, and just need a little help explaining it, here are five tips to take into that conversation with your partner(s).

  1. Get comfortable with the terminology of specific kinks.
    • Envision what you’d like to try. Use this Wiki glossary to look a bit more into terms.
  2. Reach out for resources when exploring it 
    • Read articles, talk to a sex therapist, follow some accounts like this one: @lifewflo
  3. Set a time and date you’d like to have a check in with your partner(s) about your sex life
    • Check in-s are essential for relationships. A sex check-in should be a part of your check in as regularly as you need in order to feel fulfilled and satisfied
  4. Journal preemptively and be clear to your partner(s) that you are wanting to explore things with them and grow your intimate connection, pleasure, and playfulness
    • Know what these fantasies are for you, how and with whom you would like to explore, and what you would feel if this was added to your sex life. Stick to “I feel” statements and remember your partner(s) is not solely responsible for initiating exploration and pleasure.
  5. The most important thing, allow your partner(s) time to process, decline, or explore something they may desire too.
    • If this is the first time you are having a conversation like this, it will be an adjustment. Change, especially big change, does not happen overnight

Assuming you have gone through these steps and your partner(s) are curious about your desires, jump on over to the BDSMtest.org for a quick quiz on what kinky activities might be for you. Take it separately and talk over the results. 

Now that you have been true to yourself and honored your desires, if you find yourself needing a little more support whether alone or with your partner, I’d love to work with you at Love Heal Grow Counseling – Schedule an appointment with me today. I specialize in kink, BDSM, non-monogamy, and sex therapy.

At Love Heal Grow we have a variety of other therapists who can also assist you. Please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Love Heal Grow today to get in touch with one of our therapists.

flo sex couples therapist sacramento
Hi, I’m Flo Oliveira, therapist for individuals and couples at Love Heal Grow Counseling.

I help​ individuals and couples who want to rediscover themselves, their sexual intimacy, and pleasure. You can experience more fulfillment in your life and relationships! I’m here to support you.

You can read more about me or schedule an appointment here: About Flo

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