Before diving into something as life-changing as marriage to your partner, there are a few things — ok, quite a few things — that you should know about them. Whether you have lived together before or not, there are some things that you will want to get out of the way before you say, “I do.”
The truth is there are so many things you want to know about your partner that you may not know. Asking questions can be a quick and easy way to address these mysteries and ensure that both of you are thinking of this next step in your relationship as a good idea for you. After all, the last thing you want is to get married and then learn about all the ways that your and your partner‘s plans and ideas on marriage and your future diverge.
Remember, marriage is a partnership. So, of course, you’re both going to have to compromise on some topics. Ideally, though, you want to ensure that you and your partner have similar views on your plans for the future together.
Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Marriage
So, to help you ensure you are confident in your choice to get married to your partner, we have assembled a list of questions that you can both ask each other.
Here we’ve organized these questions into a few different categories so that you can go through each of these fundamental topics one at a time.
First up is personal values. While values change over time, they become somewhat more fixed as we get older. This means that you’ll want to make sure you’re both on the same page — or at least actively aware of any differences — when it comes to personal values.
Some questions you can ask your partner are:
- Do you have any religious or spiritual beliefs, and do they inform your decision-making?
- Do you expect me to share those beliefs?
- Do we share fundamental political beliefs?
- Do you keep up with current events?
- Do you enjoy the type of work you do?
- Who are the important people in your life?
- How important is our relationship?
- What does it look like when you care about something deeply?
The next category of questions is lifestyle preferences. Basically, this category covers your to-be day-to-day activities and preferences.
Some questions in this category to ask your partner are:
- Where do you want to live? (Ex. What kind of neighborhood or in what city or country)
- What kind of home do you want to have?
- How much money will you need to support the lifestyle you want?
- How much time do you want to spend together? Alone?
- Do you want to travel?
- What’s your ideal vacation?
- Will you be doing a lot of staying in or going out?
- Do you prefer cooking at home or going out to eat?
- Do you like spending more than you save?
- How important is exercise to you?
- Are you a night owl or an early bird?
No marriage (or any other intimate relationship) is going to be without conflict. At some point, something will come up that will irritate one or both of you. But, if you and your partner can communicate well, you can easily navigate these conflicts and move on.
So, go through these questions with your partner and ensure you understand where conflicts may arise and how you can overcome them.
- What do you do when you are upset?
- What do you do when I am upset?
- Will you tell me when you are stressed or upset with me?
- What do I do that makes you smile?
- Do you have any trust issues with me?
- Has there ever been anything you didn’t want to/feel comfortable telling me?
- What do we usually argue about?
- Do you ever hold grudges?
- How can/do I make you feel safe and accepted?
- How do you communicate your love?
Not all people want kids and a big home in the suburbs. That is completely natural. That type of life is not for everyone. But you want to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to this area of your life.
To get an idea of where your partner stands in terms of family plans, ask them:
- Do you want children?
- How many children would you like to have?
- What kind of childcare would you want?
- Where do you think is the best place to raise kids?
- How would you react if we have difficulty conceiving?
- What kind of childhood did you have?
- Did you like how you were raised?
- What type of parenting style do you want to use for our kids?
- When would you like to start a family in a marriage?
- What kind of relationship do you have with your family?
- What family traditions do you want to implement?
Next up is career or other professional goals. But, again, the truth is that it will be much easier for you and your partner to attain your respective goals if you’re both on the same page and aligned in your desires.
Consider these questions with your partner to see where the two of you are regarding longer-term professional goals.
- Where do you see your career in 10 years? What about my career?
- How much time do you/will you likely be spending at work?
- How passionate are you about your work?
- Do you prioritize work over other areas of your life?
- How demanding is your job?
- Has the work-life balance ever caused stress in the relationship?
- Are you supportive of my career goals?
- How do you feel when you come home from work?
- Does work interfere with the things you want to do in life?
Relationships change over time. They evolve as needs and desires change. One area of a relationship that can often be affected and changed over time is physical intimacy. Maybe you will find your sexual desires decreasing after marriage or children. Maybe you will find that you’d like to have more sex, but you don’t know how to bring it up.
The one thing that you can do now (because we can’t know what our needs will be in the future) is to understand what your partner likes and be open to discussing these topics with them.
Some questions you can ask in this category are:
- How often do we have sex? Is that enough? Is it too much?
- What kind of sex do you like to have?
- What turns you on?
- What turns me on?
- Are you happy with the current physical intimacy and sex level in our relationship?
- Do you enjoy any kind of BDSM?
- Do you like any sex toys?
- How would you react if you feel our sex life has become boring?
- Is there anything missing from our sexual relationship?
- Are you open with me in terms of sex?
What If You Don’t Know Where to Start?
We get it. This is a long list of questions — some of which can seem pretty intimidating. So, what can you do if you want to start talking about these topics with your partner but don’t know where to start? Consider reaching out to a therapist. A therapist can provide a safe space where you and your partner can talk openly about your relationship, plans, and life preferences.
So, if you want to ensure you and your partner are on the same page before asking the big question, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Love Heal Grow to get in contact with a therapist who can help you navigate this big step in your relationship.