Have you ever received what you thought was a compliment, but then felt bad about yourself afterwards? Compliments aren’t supposed to make you feel bad– and while sometimes it can be hard or awkward to receive them, there’s a certain kind of comment that masquerades as a compliment, but really is an insult. There are people out there who will leverage these hidden barbs as a way to intentionally hurt you. This is called negging.
Negging is a manipulative tactic that can occur in various social settings, but it is most commonly associated with the realm of dating and relationships. While this tactic is probably as old as human relationships, it recently gained prominence (and its name) in online dating communities. Negging involves giving backhanded compliments or subtle insults with the intention of undermining a person’s self-esteem or self-confidence.
The ultimate goal of negging is to establish a power dynamic where the person using this tactic appears superior, while the target feels insecure or uncertain about themselves. In some cases, negging can be a subtle form of coercion, where the target may feel pressured to respond positively to regain the approval of the negger. This can blur the lines of consent and lead to uncomfortable or unwanted advances.
Understanding the Psychology of Negging
To effectively recognize and respond to negging, it’s important to understand the psychology behind this manipulative behavior. Negging operates on the premise that by making someone feel insecure or self-conscious, the person employing this tactic can gain an upper hand in the interaction. This is often rooted in a desire for control, attention, or a misguided attempt to increase one’s perceived attractiveness.
Negging can take various forms, but it generally involves criticism or insults disguised as humor or playful banter. For example, someone might say, “You’re pretty for someone who doesn’t wear makeup,” or “You’re so much smarter than you look.” These comments are designed to make the target doubt themselves and seek validation from the person using negging.
Negging is a harmful behavior that can have lasting effects on a person’s self-esteem and mental well-being. Even if you respond assertively and effectively, the emotional toll of negging may linger. It’s important to remember that negging says more about the person using the tactic than it does about your worth or value.
In some cases, negging can be indicative of a deeper issue in the individual who employs it. They may struggle with their own self-esteem or insecurity, leading them to use manipulation as a means of gaining control or validation.
Identifying negging can be challenging because it often masquerades as harmless teasing or banter. Here are some key signs to watch out for:
- Backhanded Compliments: Negging often involves compliments that contain a hidden insult or criticism. For instance, “You’re quite attractive, but you could lose a few pounds.”
- Undermining Confidence: If you find yourself feeling less confident or questioning your self-worth after interacting with someone, it may be a sign of negging.
- Inappropriate Teasing: Excessive teasing or jokes that make you uncomfortable or hurt your feelings can be a form of negging.
- Comparisons: The person using negging may frequently compare you unfavorably to others, creating a sense of competition or inadequacy.
- Mixed Signals: Neggers often alternate between negative and positive comments to keep you emotionally off balance.
- Unsolicited Advice: Offering unsolicited advice about your appearance, choices, or behavior can also be a form of negging, especially if it’s done in a condescending manner.
- Persistent Criticism: If someone consistently criticizes you without acknowledging your positive qualities or achievements, they might be engaging in negging.
How to Respond to Negging
Responding to negging effectively requires a combination of assertiveness, self-confidence, and setting boundaries. Also, while negging is usually discussed within the context of dating and romantic relationships, that isn’t always the case. Negging can happen within friendly or professional relationships, too.
The first step in dealing with negging is recognizing it for what it is. Trust your instincts and acknowledge when someone’s comments make you feel uncomfortable or inferior. Negging is intended to erode your confidence, so it’s crucial to maintain self-assurance. Remind yourself of your worth, strengths, and positive qualities.
Once you realize that somebody is trying to neg you, you need to set boundaries. In some cases, a verbal warning may work. You can politely but firmly let the person know that their comments are not acceptable. Don’t be afraid to be blunt. If somebody says “You’re pretty for somebody who doesn’t wear makeup,” you can respond with “That’s not a compliment, and you know it.” Because unlike spontaneous social blunders or general awkwardness, neggers know what they’re doing. There are entire forums’ worth of advice for manipulative people that teach them how to neg. They are counting on their victims to be polite and passive.
Remember, they’re negging you because they’re trying to manipulate you. Letting them know that you’re onto them might work, but realistically, you will likely need to disengage and ignore the person. You don’t have to subject yourself to disrespectful behavior. If you ever feel unsafe or believe the person’s behavior is abusive, prioritize your safety. Consider involving authorities or seeking professional help if necessary. If the negging is happening in the workplace, you may need to escalate to a manager or HR.
The Impacts of Negging
Negging can have serious impacts on your emotional well-being and self-esteem. Talk to friends or trusted individuals about your experiences. They can provide emotional support and guidance on how to handle the situation. Sharing your feelings can also help validate your experiences.
It can be valuable to educate friends and peers about negging, as they might unknowingly engage in or tolerate this behavior. Raising awareness can help create a safer and more respectful social environment. Over the years, there has been a growing awareness of the harmful nature of negging and other predatory dating tactics. Many individuals, organizations, and communities have worked to educate people about healthy dating and relationship dynamics. Recognizing and rejecting such manipulative tactics is a crucial step in creating safer and more respectful dating environments for everyone.
If you’ve experienced negging or other manipulative behavior, and are struggling with your self-esteem or dating life because of it, we can help. Reach out to us today at Love Heal Grow to get in touch with one of our therapists.